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1166 sats \ 16 comments \ @cryotosensei 1 Dec Education

If I have to think of an analogy for parenting, the battle for survival between the python and cobra (a 12-hour real life incident that hogged headlines in my country) comes to mind.

Wah, so dramatic.

My son and I were at the Tomica specialty shop yesterday. He fell prey to the assembly factory gimmick. Apparently, for ¥900, he could actively assemble his choice of Toyota (under the watchful guidance of a staff member, of course). Since this experience won’t be replicated in Singapore, I happily paid for it. And took a video of his entire involvement to boot.

This happy tale drastically switched tone. This morning, he playfully put his Toyota inside a coin locker outside the JR station. We have enough experience to predict what would happen next, but he hadn’t the faintest clue. Anyway, the lock slammed shut. He asked me to help. I couldn’t retrieve it even if I had a million bucks to spare because I didn’t have the QR code that would grant me access to that locker.

In a split instant, pride and joy of spending transformed into anger. But it isn’t so much about the waste of money. To me, it’s about the emotional energy I had to expend throughout the process. A million questions raced through my mind like a tornado whizzing through the land. How accountable did I need to hold him to be? How much of my unbridled fury did I need to filter before I responded to him? Did he get to buy another Tomica toy today or should I stew the purchase in hopes that he would internalise today’s lesson? All these required decision-making, which was something my free-spirited self didn’t gravitate towards.

Add to this a twist. He might be angry with me because I was angry with him. What on earth has parenting come down to these days?!

So, I think you can understand my analogy now. One moment, I’m a harmless python just innocently slithering through the woods. Out of the blue, I am struck by a deadly cobra. Before I know it, I’m caught in a deadly battle between logic and emotion, between unleashing my disappointment and regulating my self. This parenting endeavour is no fun.

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167 sats \ 1 reply \ @Scoresby 1 Dec

My own experience of parenting is also full of these difficult questions. The world has sharp edges and the process of teaching your children about those edges is no fun.

The cliche is touching a hot stove. You can prevent them from touching the hot stove, but then they might not learn to avoid it and when confronted later with something bigger and hotter, with higher stakes, where touching may mean more than a little burn, having actually touched the hot stove becomes invaluable.

That analogy is probably not the best, but one of the most necessary and difficult parts of parenting is allowing your children to learn these kinds of lessons. Our instincts are to shield them from all badness, all unpleasantness, all unfairness. But probably, such shielding is not good.

The baby who frequently falls down probably learns to walk faster than the baby whose parents always catch her.

And yet, being able to provide a do-over to our children when they're heart is broken is such a wonderful thing -- I can only occasionally resist.

102 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 1 Dec

Thanks for expounding on your parenting philosophy. You got me thinking about engineering challenges that are in my son’s stretch zone so that he can fail. To orchestrate failure instead of being stumped by it by chance. Not sure how I can do that, though, but it is deserving of a think or two.

Another thing I’m reminded of is my country’s infamous Primary School Leaving Examination. All sixth graders have to take this nationwide exam in order to qualify for a secondary school that they prefer. It’s like the younger version of the SAT. Needless to say, stakes are high, teachers and tutors teach to the test, and some parents even take No Pay Leave to marshal their kiddos through the exam. Of course, some kids don’t perform well for various reasons (aptitude, exam nerves, learning needs etc) and their world (along with that of their parents) gets crushed.

Since my son will join this academic arms race next year, I need to remind myself that if he doesn’t excel in the PSLE, he would have still learnt other invaluable lessons about success and failure.

69 sats \ 3 replies \ @Undisciplined 1 Dec

I think about that whole set of reaction options, too.

Where I've come down is that it's fine for your kids to know when they've done something that annoyed or angered or disappointed you. That's a huge part of the feedback they get on how their behavior is received by others. However, we have to be diligent in keeping our emotional responses appropriate and letting them know something isn't their fault if they couldn't have known better.

I wouldn't have purchased a replacement toy, if there were reason for your kid to know not to do what they did.

69 sats \ 2 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 1 Dec

Thanks, mate. I believe that you have told me about the right to express our negative emotions to our kid before. I agree about the part about keeping our emotional responses appropriate. I think the ideal for me to attain is to convey anger/disappointment/annoyance in a serious, yet light-hearted manner. I find that it goes over children’s heads if they are subjected to too much lecturing.

The thing I struggle with (both in parenting and in teaching) is the whole notion of playfulness. True, children can’t know better, but they can save themselves (and me) a whole lot of grief if they don’t be playful and just do things the way they are supposed to. There is a time for experimentation, and there is a time for following instructions - but it’s play time 💯 for some of the kids I work with.

I did buy him another Tomica toy in the end. It wasn’t a replacement toy. Since several years ago, we have arrived at a tacit understanding that he can get a new toy every month. I decided that the mature thing to do here is to honour this agreement (yesterday was coincidentally 1st Dec) and keep this incident of loss (though we got the toy back in the end) separate from our usual agreement

48 sats \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined 1 Dec

I like the resolution you came to. It let you convey that there was a consequence without causing too much distress.

69 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 1 Dec

Thanks for the affirmation, mate. Always helps to have a second opinion. Parenting still feels like conquering uncharted territory even though the same predicament might have come up numerous times before haha

69 sats \ 1 reply \ @grayruby 1 Dec

Kids do dumb stuff sometimes. Best you can do is try to get them to learn from their mistakes.

40 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 1 Dec

Thanks mate for checking in.

It was a learning experience for me too. After that incident, he shut down, so I attempted at reconciliation as I was the adult haha. To no avail. He gave non-commital responses. I eventually just sat him on my lap and we continued the bus journey in silence.

A few hours later, he randomly shared that he had put the car inside the locker because he didn’t want to lose it. I was reminded that I had to keep our bond strong so that he would feel comfortable to share anything with me whenever he felt ready even as he got older

46 sats \ 3 replies \ @SimpleStacker 1 Dec

I often think about how kids make dumb mistakes because the lack the experience to know better, and how that lack of experience is also what makes them unafraid of new tech and willing to try things out.

Old people get stuck in their ways, perhaps because they've been conditioned to think that other ways are dangerous.

Anyway, I don't know how coin lockers work, but how was he able to put it into an open public locker that you weren't able to subsequently open? If he was able to put it in, doesn't that mean you should also be able to take it out?

24 sats \ 1 reply \ @grimtechnet 1 Dec

I also wonder how the coin lockers work.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 1 Dec

Put in the item
Press a lever downwards
A notification would pop up on the screen, prompting you to tap your card to lock it
And then, it’s locked 🔐

But we are unsure why the locker locked itself despite us not tapping an I/C

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 1 Dec

There’s an excellent way of perceiving kids’ naïveté. Thanks, I shall keep it in mind.

Two staff from the coin locker company came down. Apparently, they were as baffled as us. Seemed that someone had to press an I/C card (like Suica) before the locking mechanism would be activated. They had no clue how the locker got locked after my son just put the toy inside. Haha.

Are you still enjoying Tokyo? Stay warm!

48 sats \ 1 reply \ @OT 1 Dec

You can't get it back? I'm sure this happens often enough for them to have a camera and for you to contact someone to make a claim.

42 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 1 Dec

We did get it back. There was a number for us to call. Two staff came down - and after some ding dong-ing of responses, they returned him his toy.

This is a testament of the quality of service in Japan. It wouldn’t have happened in Singapore (my son lost a toy on a public bus, and the bus driver allegedly threw it away haha)

24 sats \ 1 reply \ @ek 1 Dec

If I have to think of an analogy for parenting, the battle for survival between the python and cobra (a 12-hour real life incident that hogged headlines in my country) comes to mind.

Who won?

This parenting endeavour is no fun.

I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I'm sure you will be able to laugh about all of this in what will feel like no time

In the meantime, I wish you good luck, and hope for many more funny stories for me.

Do you still need money for diapers btw?

100 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei OP 2 Dec

The cobra!

I remember wrongly. It was a 7-hour battle (instead of 12) but epic nonetheless.

Yes. I’m sure I will be able to laugh about this in time to come (instead of feeling exasperated).

As I told gray ruby above, I feel that it was a blessing in disguise that this incident happened because it allowed me to understand how my son deals with conflict and attempts at reconciliation and have more data from which to draw from when such misadventures happen in the future.

Unfortunately yes. Both kids still rely on diapers sigh