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doesn't really help without hashrate! cpu/gpu is pretty out of the question

Read the post. Testnet resets to difficulty 1, so CPU/GPU can work fine there.

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appreciate the attempt to help though!

(the polite answer here is those difficulty of one blocks after 20 minutes is scalped by bots. they do weird timestamping tricks to always be blasting that 20:00:01 time from last block. It takes a CPU/GPU maybe one or two seconds to find a difficulty of 1 block, takes someone else's ASIC a fraction of a millisecond. It's a race I will not win. Go check out testnet, most of the blocks are empty because it's just bots fighting to print empty blocks)

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