4 months since my 34th birthday

also the day when I’ve become single

and I moved back in mom’s basement

for almost 3 years, my daily routine used go include fun couple stuff and quasi husband duties – we weren’t married, but we sort of acted like it

now I work 10-12 hours a day, I eat bad food whenever I remember to eat, and I spend more time talking to LLMs and my cat than to actual humans

the worst part is that I lost my hope and sense of purpose. I work until I pass out without knowing why and without having hope for the future

I rarely go out, I cannot see other women because somehow this experience has made me sour and insufferable to the point that I lost my patience and I can no longer pretend to be nice

When I see a woman, all I can think about is problems, drama, and a lot of disappointment that only leads to pain

Used to be idealistic and think women are angels who bless our existence, now I feel like a textbook misogynist. Maybe even angrier

I’m even mean and angry with my own mother, like the stereotypical basement dweller… which I don’t recall being in the past

Unfortunately for myself, I’m not attracted to men either. But I do respect the greater tendency to show signs of honor, respect and obsession with legacy

So since I have no sex life and eat mostly crap, I’ve developed a new obsession with washing my car. I don’t drive anywhere except for supermarkets, but 3 times a week I abuse prewash liquid and wax. It somehow helps me relax

Sometimes I go swimming and do home workouts (mostly pushups), but I can’t commit to a routine. On the other hand, I got to the point where I hate my body and can’t look at myself in the mirror. Which is terrible and only makes me angrier

One good part is that I get to spend time with my grandma, who has been bedridden and half-paralyzed since her stroke 6 months ago. She’s sometimes showing signs of progress, but she’s very unlikely to walk again

Seeing grandma every day is a reminder that very few of our daily concerns really matter in life. If we live long, we will all end up there eventually. So I guess the most important part is having a family that can take care of you

But this thought only makes me angrier and more frustrated, for reasons previously mentioned

Literature and movies are filled with characters who lose their great love and spend the rest of their lives in misery, lamenting over their loss

I really don’t want this to be my story arc. But for now I feel emotionally numb and very sensitive to anger

This time last year, I was feeling happier, more confident & hopeful for the future. Now I just work hard without any sense of purpose

Maybe that, to a significant degree, I was lying to myself

I feel guilty when I feel good and enjoy something, so I work even more to bring back the misery. It’s almost as if I don’t feel like I deserve the happiness

Maybe eventually something good will happen to me, but these past 4 months felt like a long and exhausting week

Anyway, I am not suicidal and I don’t think that I’m depressed. But I’ll turn 35 in February and I can’t shake off the feeling that I failed and I’ve wasted the best years of my life.