so, i recently got off the phone with my mom about an hour ago. love that woman to death (miss her and wished her a happy mother's day), but i can't help but be convinced there is always going to be this barrier between us, and let me explain why.
during our conversation, it was all the good usual small talk. but then it got to some of the more, in depth questions. like when is your book going to be done, "everyone" is waiting on you, did you get in touch with person a and person b to help you get it published, it's good to make connections wherever you're going. then it spiraled into are you getting a job when you get home, i know some people... yada yada yada.
i want to think mother's always try to have their children's best interests at heart, which maybe i'll understand if i become a mom one day. but being of asian ethnicity, everything about what you do and how it is perceived to others is a huge thing. everyone is always wondering what your next move is going to be. they can be nosy about the things you do in your work, social, and personal life. over the years, i've become selective about the things i say to others and who gets to know what information about what's going on with me. i've very much become the person who has adopted the don't worry about it. type of persona.
but something i've come to understand is that as much as people in your life invoke their own curiosities and questions about you, no one actually cares as deeply as you might think they do.
these are the patterns i've come across:
- the surface level questions are what is asked and nothing more.
whenever the people in my life ask about my book aside from my best friend and my fiance, it's the mundane questions.
"how's the writing going?"
good.
"what's it about?"
two kids in high school alongside their four friends trying to figure out life.
"i can't wait to read it."
(me smiling a grimaced cringey, smile).
(like this)
there's never real, genuine interest in the things you ar epursuing. there is an external factor that lies there in saying a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, is doing a,b, and c things but that's about it. which is fine, because this is all for my own growth and success to begin with. no one really will take interest in the thing that don't serve them in that very moment, especially if said people don't actually take the actual time to invest in reading a book.
among everyone i know, i'm the only who is trying to make at least one of my book's a bestseller. so i would say the competition is narrowed down drastically in that sense.
- everyone is too worried about themselves.
at the end of the day, we are all serving our own best interests.
to me, that's my health, boosting my creativity, and my relationship. but to others, that might not be the case. each of us live very unique lives, and no one will ever have the same day to day experiences. no one has the time to look at me and think: "oh my god. i need to ask her all about her book writing process, characters, plot..."
yeah, uh no. no one is going to do that unless they plan to write a book themselves. it's liberating in a sense that the only person who can be truly concerned with your direction in life is yourself. people can give their input, comments, and advice, but remember that everything they say is just words unless they have direct experience themselves on what you do. you can choose to let those ideas of everyone thinking about you go, or not. that is ultimately up to you.
- you can do whatever THE FUCK you want.
this is the biggest takeaway. when you understand everyone is tied up in their own lives, you are free.
go take that trip you've been putting. quit that stupid job (very responsibly please), and find something fulfilling to your soul. jump back into that passion or hobby you did before or always wished that you did. for godsake, fuel and heal your inner child.
take it from me. i'm already the black sheep amongst those i know. i've been abroad alone not once, but twice. and both times i went back home, i've been questioned for doing what i do and for not going the conventional route. looked down on. disowned and talked down on by someone close to me. depended on for so fucking long until i left again for a third time. the truth is, is that nothing will change back at home or in previous circumstances i used to live in. but i can.
i'm happy that i took a a chance on myself to grow, learn, and expand, and continue to do so.
for everyday i am still here, i'm not done and i don't think i ever will be. so with what you have right now, you might as well care less yourself, and continue to strive to do more for you.
if no one is routing for you, the universe is. and so am i.