i think alot of us have this tendency to hold down things. to be more specific, feelings. the uncomfortable ones that you don't like to show anyone.

across the world, we have normalized this idea of not be able to show or tell people how we feel under these specific circumstances:

most might think you're insane if your views do not resonate or match their own.

or

you end up feeling like a burden.

but outwardly, you don't do you or anyone justice by holding anything down. it's like shaking up a bottle of soda or any fizzy drink not thinking at all it's going to explode. and we all know exactly what the after effects of that are. at first it might feel like relief, but that eventually turns into emptiness. numbness. nothingness.

today, all i did was sit in bed doing nothing but doom scrolling the internet. even reading didn't sound appealing to me because my mind was too focused on trying to stay out of the reality of digesting my current state of mind. i needed the immediate dopamine releases to keep me distracted, stimulated and away from what is actually real. i was out of touch from the reason i let go of social media in the first place. so again, i talked to my fiance (forever grateful and thankful to him) about the things going through me, as well as him.

in my own journey of self discovery, i've come to realize that humans are very good at detaching and attaching themselves from things that are either helpful or harmful.

on one hand, i've never been the type to fully attach myself to my achievements because they aren't things where i can outwardly show the concrete proof of my work to the world. i wrote a book, but the final draft is no where in sight and not on a bookshelf in a store somewhere. i might have had a knack for music, but i never wrote an album or committed to playing for a symphonic orchestra as a career. sure, i loved water sports growing up, but i wasn't superior in a way to join the swim team or engage in surfing for a big name brand.

on the other hand, i get toxically wrapped and attached to what others might think of me because of my, unconventional, "making it up as i go" lifestyle. would i be accepted for being different? would i be seen and validated for the writing i do?

the answer is always yes. but it's not an easy yes. this one came with a mental rollercoaster.

i feel like i let all the emotions you can think of come and go through me. sadness, anger, despair, fear, doubt, happiness, uncertainty, anxiety, numbness. i let them pour out of me while sitting on a beachside swing as he sat next to me, and i, and we, took that as a sign that something big, something great, is surely on its way.

so allow yourself to feel whatever it is is happening to you in your current life. being in a vulnerable state just means something within you needs to be shaken in order for you to keep on growing, and moving forward. if someone you know and trust is willing and able to listen, allow them in if you're comfortable.

a breakthrough of understanding is lying within you somewhere, and sometimes you need a nudge to let that out too.